Oniimetion
by Casix Thistlebane
Summary: Season 6: Spike woke up craving sushi.


Disclaimer: The characters herein are the sole property of Joss Whedon, ME, and Fox. I'm not making any money off of this story.  
  
Author's note: Another bit that arose from a conversation with my brother. I've also done a bit of illustrating for this story, which you can find at my personal website in the next couple of days: www.duckncoverwords.com/rc/ I'm especially proud of chibi-Willow. This story takes place at some point 6th season, between "OMWF" and "Tabula Rasa"  
  
Onii-me-tion  
  
by Casix Thistlebane  
  
Spike woke up craving sushi.  
  
This was somewhat of a monumental event, considering that Spike never liked sushi. He was all for the idea of raw food, especially meat; it contained much more blood that way. But Spike had never met a vampire that could stomach seafood. Fish both smelled and tasted unbelievably foul to their heightened senses.  
  
And yet, he wanted nothing more than fresh, raw eel wrapped in rice and seaweed, with pickled ginger, wasabi, and soy sauce.  
  
For god's sake, pardon his french, he didn't even own chopsticks!  
  
His fangs worried at his lower lip, which was strange, since he was pretty sure he wasn't in game face. A quick tactile check confirmed this–no ridges.  
  
Yes, it was safe to say that something was, once again, wrong in Sunnydale.  
  
But at least he wasn't singing, this time.  
  
Nevertheless, Spike felt it prudent that he head over to the Magic Box, because when something went wrong in Sunnydale, the Scoobies were the ones to fix it.  
  
He stepped out under the full moon (which was also strange, since it had been waning the night before) and set out across the cemetery.  
  
To take his mind off his worries, Spike killed any demon he happened across, though he couldn't recognize any of them. They seemed bulbous, smoother than they'd been before, and circled in a strange, thick black mist, like a line drawn onto paper, and the world around them seemed to blur into colored streaks as they fought. Spike added this to his mental list of strange things and soon found himself at ht door of the current Scooby headquarters. He finished his cigarette and pushed open the door.  
  
The first thing he noticed was Willow. Her hair looked somehow an even brighter shade of red than normal, her flyaways coming out in even chunks. She had that same, thick, line-like haze surrounding her, and for some unfathomable reason, she wore a rather skimpy looking skirt. Her eyes were narrowed and her arms crossed firmly over her chest. Tara hovered behind her in a more traditional long skirt, her long hair smoother than usual, and accented with a few narrow black streaks.  
  
"Something isn't bloody right here!" He peered at the pair. Their eyes seemed unnaturally large, and the light reflection in Tara's quivered un-nervingly.  
  
"We kind of noticed, Spike."  
  
Spike spun around, catching sight of the Slayer. Her hair bobbed up in a ponytail that seemed to defy gravity, and she, like Willow, was wearing an almost obscenely short skirt. Unlike Willow, Buffy's skirt seemed almost painted on, revealing the roundest, bounciest pair of–  
  
Buffy let out an unholy shriek as pain exploded in Spike's skull and he collapsed to the ground in a heap.  
  
"Oy!" Spike shot a hand up to the top of his head, which seemed to have flattened somewhat. "Where the hell were you hiding that hammer?"  
  
"I think you'll find that's more of a mallet."  
  
Spike glared daggers at Xander, who had passed unnoticed in the corner of ht shop until that moment. The boy blushed in furious red streaks across his round cheeks, his eyes squinching shut into high semi-circles, his mouth in an extraordinarily large, sheepish smile. A very large drop of sweat dripped down his forehead.  
  
The group stared at him for a long moment. It was finally broken by Anya, who stood in her customary spot behind the counter.  
  
"Oh my god, WHERE DID YOUR NOSE GO?!"  
  
Xander blinked, his face returning to what passed for normal in the bizarro world they had found themselves in. His hands flew to the center of his face as his eyes, enormous, deep brown orbs, widened to their fullest extent, visible even through the floppy spikes of his bangs. Then he relaxed.  
  
"Um, it seems to be back, now."  
  
"Right then," Spike drew himself up to his full height, straightening his shoulders. "Where's the watcher? It's about time we fixed this."  
  
All four girls' eyes closed into arches of eyelash, as they erupted into giggles. Spike felt a blush spread across his cheeks, which was ridiculous, since vampires are incapable of blushing. He shook his head.  
  
"Wot?!"  
  
"So . . . CUTE!" Willow's knees, easily visible since her skirt showed off pretty much ALL of her legs, came together as she covered her mouth to laugh.  
  
Spike's eyes wanted to widen, but he fought the impulse, assuming that his, like the others', already took up more than half his face. "Cute?"  
  
Anya gestured to her mouth, and Spike's hands flew up. Sure enough, his fangs were peeking out ever so slightly over his lower lip.  
  
"Bullocks."  
  
This seemed too much for Xander, who collapsed to the floor, kicking his feet and clutching his sides. Tears of laughter fountained up from his eyes in continuous streams.  
  
He was severely admonished by Giles, who chose that moment to exit the training room, for getting water all over the shop floor.  
  
Giles was, of course, not left out of whatever force had decided to play this trick on them. He was rather rumpled looking, his sleeves rolled up, his tie loosened around his neck. His hair stuck out at odd angles, his glasses were slightly askew, and a hint of stubble was indicated by three short black lines on his chin.  
  
Xander sat up and apologized, though he did not look the least bit abashed. "I can't help it, Giles. I start to laugh, and the next thing I know, I'm on the floor."  
  
Giles rolled his eyes and sighed, drawing another seat drop from Xander. "Has anyone found any clues to the reason for our current . . . condition?"  
  
A chorus of angry "no"s resounded, causing Giles to clean his glasses on his untucked shirt.  
  
"It is kind of . . . familiar, though." Xander leaned forward on the floor. "The short skirts, the mallet, big eyes, fountain tears . . . . I just can't place it."  
  
"Well, think harder, Whelp." Spike lit a cigarette, ignoring the harsh looks from the others. "I don't fancy spending the rest of my unlife looking like something out of a bloody cartoon."  
  
"Cartoon?" Xander suddenly sat up straight, snapping his fingers. Spike was briefly surprised by the lack of lightbulb. "That's it,"  
  
Whatever "it" was would have to wait, however, as Dawn chose that moment to enter the shop. She was in a surly mood, and dressed in what seemed to be a rather skimpy sailor outfit.  
  
"Dawn," Buffy had her mallet out again, ready to whack any of the others who even though of ogling her little sister. "I thought I told you to change."  
  
"I tried." Dawn glared at her sister, and it was the slayer's turn to lose her nose and develop an overactive sweat gland. "This is suddenly the most conservative outfit I own. Unless you prefer belly shirts?"  
  
A gerbil-like creature, slightly smaller than your average house cat, bounced onto Dawn's shoulder.  
  
"What the bloody hell is that?"  
  
"I don't know, but it's been following me around all day." Dawn scratched one of its round ears. "I named it Fizgig."  
  
"Careful, Spike," Xander was standing now. "You don't want to piss it off."  
  
Giles turned to him, his eyebrows nearly leaving his forehead. "How do you know that?"  
  
"I've seen this one."  
  
"Seen this WHAT?"  
  
"Anime."  
  
Everyone stared at Xander, and he blushed, his eyes curling shut again. He shook his head and frowned. "I'm really starting to hate that . . . . Anyway. It's obvious. I'm mad I didn't figure it out before." He gestured to Dawn "sailor suits" to his own head "sweat drops" to Fizgig "Mappy, it's classic anime stuff."  
  
"Alright," Willow's arms had yet to uncross, and Spike realized she was hiding her rather . . . enhanced . . . bust size. "But WHY are we anime?"  
  
Xander shrugged. "New demon?"  
  
Buffy trotted over to the research table. "Right then. Back to work."  
  
As everyone else began gathering books, Xander headed for the door. Giles' eyes narrowed, or at least leveled into straight lines. "Where are you going?"  
  
"To find Warren." Xander opened the door. "If we're trapped in anime-world, I'm getting me a mech."  
  
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\  
  
Several hours passed, and Spike's craving for sushi just kept getting worse. It seemed he wasn't the only one suffering from the sudden cultural switch, however, as Anya was starting to grumble about Sunnydale's lack of 24 hour pan-Asian restaurants. This started up a brief debate over the virtues of California rolls over the more traditional sashimi offerings, which cut off abruptly at Giles' quiet "Good lord." Seemingly without moving, all six of the other occupants of the Magic Box were at his side, startling the ex-watcher.  
  
"Whatcha got?" Dawn tried to peer over Giles' shoulder, something which she wouldn't have been able to do before the spell or whatever had turned them all into Japanese cartoon characters had extended the length of her legs.  
  
"Onii."  
  
"Only what?"  
  
"No," Giles removed his glasses for the umpteenth time, looking up from his text, into the eyes of Fizgig, who stared up at him with wide, innocent eyes from the table. He shuddered, and turned to the wide, innocent eyes of his six companions. He shivered again, set his glasses aside, and turned to pace the room. "Onii. They're Japanese spirits, or demons, if you like. It's entirely possible that if a number of them have traveled to Sunnydale, there would be world-shift similar to the one that we are experiencing. The only thing I cannot figure out is WHY the Onii would have come. They are notoriously territorial, preferring to stick to the Japanese archipelago."  
  
Willow, Tara, Dawn, and Spike all nodded. Buffy looked a bit blank. "Archi–oh, never mind. How do we get rid of them?"  
  
"Well, I should think that first we would have to find them." Giles replaced his glasses to peer at his text again. "They are unlikely to frequent the cemeteries in the same way that most of the other demons we've encountered have. Nor, do I think, they would like to set up shop in an abandoned factory. Most Onii are nature spirits. Perhaps the woods?"  
  
"Okay." Buffy blinked. Then blinked again. Then began running her hands across her body, looking confused.  
  
"Oy," Spike smirked. "Now's not really the time to be copping a feel."  
  
The mallet slammed down onto his head again, and Spike hit the floor. Buffy grinned. A moment later, the mallet disappeared, and she frowned.  
  
"Dammit, how come I get a nifty weapon, but it only appears when a guy starts hitting on me?" Buffy shrugged. "Anyway, the woods. Since I can't figure out where the mallet goes when I'm not braining a boy, I guess we'd better load up on the more traditional weapons?"  
  
"Certainly."  
  
A sharp, tinkling sound echoed for a moment before Willow pulled out her cellphone. Spike's eyebrows shot up; there was no place he could see on her outfit for her to keep it.  
  
"Hello?" She nodded to Giles and mouthed 'Xander'. "Yeah? We've got a lead too, but we're not sure . . . . Really?" Her expression was a cross between amused and faintly disgusted. "No, that's great information . . . . He did? Okay, we'll meet you there." She hung up and grinned.  
  
"Xander found Warren, it seems there's some sort of anime convention in town, over at the Ramada. Think that might be a good place to start looking for our Onii?"  
  
"Indeed." Giles raised his eyebrows. "That might be just the lead we're looking for. He said he'd meet us over there?"  
  
"Yeah, in a couple hours. Apparently Warren is working on a 'Gundam' or something. I'm not sure, I was never as into anime as Xander was." Willow shrugged, glancing around at the assembled group. "At least we won't stick out."  
  
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\  
  
"Holy shit," Dawn's eyes were, somehow, even wider than they had been. "That guy has CAT EARS."  
  
"Demon?" Buffy hefted her sword. "Can I kill it?"  
  
Tara shook her head, smiling slightly. "Probably just cosplay."  
  
Fizgig growled at a bright yellow, two foot tall chinchilla with black stripes and a lightning tail as it wandered by. Dawn patted him consolingly on his head.   
  
Spike just plain growled. He didn't like this convention, one bit. His senses were reeling, the black lines and artistic conventions that had taken over the whole town were making it difficult to tell the true demons from the costumed conventioneers.   
  
Willow frowned. "This might be harder than we thought."  
  
Giles nodded. "Indeed. Perhaps if we had some sort of detection spell,"  
  
Willow's eyes lit up, the light glares wobbling. "No problem!" She pulled a small cloth bag out of . . . somewhere, and began digging around for the proper herbs. "Um, I might not have enough for the whole convention."  
  
The room was filled with booths and excited people, buzzing with conversation and excitement. Willow tossed a small pinch at a passing bear. It turned and sent her a sulky look, extracting a sweat drop from the witch. "It's a blessing!" She called after it. "Definitely not enough for the whole convention."  
  
Tara glanced off to one side. "Maybe a map?" She headed off, her skirt swishing between women and men dressed in gis and wings. She returned with a small, folded piece of paper. "There's a 'demon room' upstairs, and there's a scheduled fight demonstration outside in the parking lot in a half an hour."   
  
"Those could be anything." Dawn scooped Fizgig up before he could get trampled by a passing man in blue armor. Fizgig growled again, and the man turned, yelling something about a "great Damaramu" before moving away. "We should wait for Xander, he knows more about this stuff than any of we do."  
  
Everyone nodded, then spent a few moments standing uncomfortably in the doorway to the convention hall, trying not to stare.  
  
A loud crash echoed from the parking lot behind them, followed by several screams.  
  
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\  
  
"I think that's probably a demon!" Buffy shouted over the din of people screaming, running, and stopping to take pictures. An enormous, tentacled thing slithered over the cars in the large hotel parking lot, reaching for fleeing cosplayers. "I'm on it!" She let out a battle yell, hefted the sword over her head, and went rushing in.  
  
Spike paled, then cursed. HE had seen THIS anime. That short skirt of the Slayers would serve no protection when those tentacles–  
  
Buffy shrieked again, and was suddenly holding her mallet as well as her sword. A few well placed hacks and smashes, and she was standing with the Scoobies again. "Dawn, get the hell out of here."  
  
"No way!" Dawn straightened. "I wanna help!"   
  
"I'm NOT letting you near that . . . thing!"  
  
Giles was blushing furiously. Spike had a feeling he wasn't the only one who'd watched those videos. "Indeed. Dawn, Buffy, Willow, Tara, I think all of you should probably go back into the convention center–"  
  
A tentacle approached Dawn, who started backing up, looking worried. Fizgig leaped off her shoulder.  
  
And was suddenly ten feet tall and roaring. The tentacle retreated.  
  
Dawn grinned and scooped up the once-more house cat sized Fizgig. "Good boy!"  
  
Willow and Tara grabbed hands, pointing toward the thing. "Fuego!"  
  
"Fuego?" Spike chuckled. Then the girls floated up into the air, their bodies glowing into silhouettes as their outfits altered, and green fire shot from their outstretched hands. The demon roared and retreated slightly.  
  
The two witches returned to the ground, now dressed to kill in short black skirts and stylized versions of Dawn's sailor top. Their clasped hands clutched a short wand. "That was SO cool." Willow's knees gave out, and she sat down on the ground, grinning.  
  
*Clomp*  
  
Buffy flew back into action, swinging through several punches and kicks before finally landing an enormous, punishing blow on the outer most tentacle. "Do NOT touch me! Ew!"  
  
*Clomp*  
  
Spike leaped into the air, the world streaking around him again, as he executed several of his own martial-arts-meets-street-fighter moves. The ground shook as he landed, sending him to his knees.  
  
*Clomp*  
  
"What the hell is that?" Spike peered around at the surrounding buildings as another shockwave sent the rest of the Scoobies to the ground.  
  
*Clomp*  
  
A twenty-story tall, slightly humanoid robot stepped over the hotel, narrowly missing several parked cars. Its fists clenched and unclenched a few times, and Spike's vampiric hearing caught a familiar "whoop" from near its top.  
  
"Good lord!" Giles grabbed the girls near him, and started hustling them and the nearby conventioneers back toward the doors. "What on Earth?"  
  
A delighted shriek came from a girl standing a few feet away from Spike, wearing a bikini, horns, bat wings, and a tail. "It's an EVA!"  
  
The "Eva" approached the tentacled thing, which reared up to it's own not minuscule five story height, roaring. The Eva reached down, grabbed a handful of tentacles, and lifted it into the air easily.  
  
Xander's voice echoed, greatly amplified, through the air. "No one cops a feel on my girls, buddy."  
  
The Eva's other hand came up, squishing the demon between its fists. Waves of green gore rolled down upon the parking lot, coating the Scoobies.  
  
The world seemed to shiver for a few moments, and when everything came back into focus, the black haze lines were gone. Spike put a hand to his lip, and was pleased to find that his fangs were once more hidden in his human form. He let out a cheer.   
  
Dawn sighed behind him, Fizgig having vanished. She was still, however, dressed in a sailor suit, as were Willow and Tara. Buffy tugged vainly on her green-stained purple skirt, trying to get it to cover more of her thighs.  
  
Xander stood, dressed in a strange, skin-tight white and red body suit that covered him completely from the neck down. His hands were covered in the green gore, and he whirled around, his eyes wide, but no more so than normal.  
  
The Eva was completely gone.  
  
"Aw man," Xander wiped his hands on the legs of his body suit, which served only to smear more of the goo across his body. He turned back to the group, grinning.  
  
"Who's up for sushi?"  
  
Buffy whacked him over the head the no-longer vanishing mallet.  
  
The end.  
  
Post-fic notes: obviously, I'm referencing an anime or two directly in this fic. Most obviously, Pokemon, Dragon-Half, Gundam Wing, and Neon Genesis Evangelion. But then, I'm sure you knew that already. O.o 


End file.
